Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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