I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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