We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
