in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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