Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
