That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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