i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
