Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
