Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize