She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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