I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
