Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
