well you can't waste a boner
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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