I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
