Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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