Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
