i was born a porn star she said
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
