why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
