We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
