11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
