Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
