Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
