I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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