so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
