The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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