So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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