Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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