My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize