How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
