You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
