Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
