this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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