you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
