I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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