Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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