Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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