Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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