I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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