My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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