Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
