I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
