Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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