last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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