My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
