Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
