I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
the liver wants what the liver wants
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
