I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
