I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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