My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
