I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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