Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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