Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
