Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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