There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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