Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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