Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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