Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
