The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Is it penis luge time yet?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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